What’s up, Mari?

Date: February 3, 2010 (11:20am)
Place: UKM Library (Entry initially written at the back of my printouts)

Would you be completely weirded out if you would find some girl crying in some lone cubicle of some not-so-lone floor of some not-so-lone library? I probably would. I mean, come on. The library isn’t the place for crying. Definitely not the place for releasing everything in tears.

I mean, it’s just weird.

Which is why I am doing my absolute best to keep tears from spilling from my eyes.

No, I’m not facing some huge, gigantuous problem. And no, my research and coursework are still under control.

I want to cry because… because… because…

What’s up, Mari?

Can I let Jake Hamilton answer that question? He’s singing out “Embrace” on my mp3 player, as of writing time.

Wanna feel Your embrace
Wanna feel Your arms around me
Wanna feel Your heart beating
Next to mine…
And it’s telling me
It’s all gonna be okay… It’s all gonna be okay…
It’s all gonna be okay… It’s all gonna be okay…

 

Lord I want to see Your face
I want to see who I can be
I want to see what You can see
In the mirror of Your eyes
And You’re telling me
It’s all gonna be okay… It’s all gonna be okay…
It’s all gonna be okay… It’s all gonna be okay…

For I know, if Your eye is on the sparrow
Then Your heart is on me
Yes I know, If Your eye is on the sparrow
Then Your heart is on me…

To be loved so completely and so deeply by One so awesome and so great. To be so aware of His very nearness. To be told that everything’s gonna be okay. To see myself the very way that He sees me. To have His heart on me. To be loved. To simply, yet amazingly, be loved.

Sigh. Okay. Because everyone’s blogging about love, love, love, I had so set it in my heart not to – I really wanted to write something about excellence, about glory, and about increasing your value… but I guess I can’t help but let this “love thing” “creep in”.

Because how would you pursue excellence, why would you want to desire glory, and how on earth would you increase in value if you do not know Love – if you have not Love, if you desire not Love, and if you shun it away and all its mysteries?

Since the start of the year, I’ve been so fired up in wanting to be excellent in all things. “I want to be the best MS student that I can be. The best daughter that I could be. The best friend. The best worshipper. The best me.” Why? Well, because when we are glorious, as Daddy Paul says, we attract Glory.

And so I’ve been shifting my lifestyle – sleeping early, getting up a good two hours before the first class of the day begins, letting go of some things and learning to re-learn a couple of others.

But, as Paul to the Corinthian church said, without Love it is all worthless. If it is not because of Love, if it is not operated in Love, and if it does not produce Love – then why am I even doing all these????

Why? Bakit? Mengapa?

I’m realizing why Jake Hamilton is breaking me right now.

Because I am reminded once again of His love. Reminded of His embrace. And as I am reminded, I long – for Him, for His love, to be lost in His embrace. That when I do all these things – I do them IN Love. Because without Love, all these things are nothing. Without Love, I myself am nothing.

I guess the main reason why this girl is struggling not to cry in some lone cubicle of some not-so-lone floor of some not-so-lone library is because Jake Hamilton’s Embrace speaks so much about what she’s going through right now, when her own words can’t really answer the question “Kumusta ka na?”

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