Growing Up

I am such a crybaby.

Why those tears came is beyond me. Sigh. Just a sudden burst of welled-up emotions. Just something that I wish I could have stopped but was just too tired and too fed-up to.

Ugh. I hate drama. And I hate it when I overreact. Just the memory of my breakdown that night makes me want to go and bang my head into a wall or something.

For the record, okay na ako. Yeah, I got scared of the whole conflict-argument thing. And I crumpled over at the thought that I’d be bringing memories of my friends fighting home with me. But yeah, I understand that you guys really weren’t fighting and that you were all really, truly ok.

I really just overreacted.

Once again, let me just say that I truly hate it when I overreact. I detest it when people see that I’m not really as strong as I sometimes think and pretend to be. When I get all transparent… as I am getting to be right now. Kaya nga dinadaan ko nalang ang lahat sa mga letters at blogs.

Which makes that night a breakthrough – in a way – for me. Kasi in a way, I was able din to show you na ganun pala si Mari. With the breakdown-slash-outburst. With my struggle to explain why I reacted that way. And with the pathetic attempt to make it all better through that silly performance that Rachel, Marian and I pulled off.

And for the record, I am so thankful that everything worked out in the end.

Sigh. Apologies for the seemingly dark and brooding tone of this entry. I do not mean for it to be that way. I want this entry to be full of sunshine and laughter. And I just want to give our batch outing a real sunshiny closure.

So sunshine and laughter it is.

I’m thankful that I went all the way back to Elbi that weekend. Yeah, it’s tiring going back and forth between Baguio and Elbi, but let me truly, honestly say that for me it was all worth it.

I had fun watching you guys battle with the fish, the squid, the eggplants, the coals, and the drizzle. I enjoyed the meal, and – okay, okay – I’m glad I was able to give Cynde a laugh through the corned-beef-blooper.

I learned a lot as Henry and Myla sizzled in the hot seat. Hrrrmmm. Henry… Hehehe. And can someone explain to me what a motherly figure is once again? Hahaha! :D

But nothing can me me laugh harder than seeing Mac, Ades, and Jake have a “Nobody, Nobody” showdown. Laugh, laugh, laugh!

Okay, okay. I so wanted to sleep through all those talks about politics, the presidentiables, the Ampatuans, PBB and showbiz what-nots (hey, it took me a while before I found out who Tony Gonzaga was, remember?) but I was happy and content just listening to you all voice out your views on those different matters. Happy hearing your voices and seeing your facial reactions – a few things that I miss out on when we all just simply meet up in cyberspace.

And when we all got over that dramarama hurdle, I was happy that a trip to Jerusalem to the tune of “Nobody” and “Poker Face” was all we really needed to get us all thrown into a fit of hysteria once again (along with a game of Taboo, Pinoy Henyo, and Ren’s Card Game Icebreaker Thingy).

And it was nice seeing the sea-folk jump into the pool once Mr. Sunshine decided to show up. (And once the pool was no longer in a temperature below freezing!)

So we were all beat up by the time we got to Cynde’s place. So their house looked like an evacuation center upon our arrival. And so “My Big Love” wouldn’t cooperate with us despite Mac’s persistent pleading. But the post-outing sotanghon and movie marathon madness were still great (though admittedly, I slept through all the other movies – hehe).

We’re all growing up. I realized that when our “personal questions” got a bit freakier. I realized that when Mac brought up his situation and when I got to have a short but meaningful conversation with Cristina Joy as well. And I realized that when I got the feeling that after the outing – most, if not all of us, would have to brave through a greater season of … I don’t know what to call it. Testing? I don’t know. Just a greater process to get that greater breakthrough. Because after all that we have received through the GMA team’s visit… Well, great impartations lead to greater processes.

But the good thing is that I know we’d still be there for each other. And though we may “fight”, though there may be some drama, and though Joy’s life is constantly threatened by those who want to kill her… I know na kahit ganun, wala pa ring iwanan.

Even when we all go our separate ways – to the nations, back to elbi, or back to our own provinces with no definite date of return – we are all still ONE, UNITED and TOGETHER.

I love you, friends, so much. Thank you for making the Elbi stay fun, freaky, and memorable. 2010’s going to be a blast.

Happy Holidays to all!

Mari

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Some Things Never Change

I have a stiff neck.

I’m blaming it on the long bus ride home. I think I spent almost eleven hours on the road yesterday. Sleeping. Thinking. Sleeping again. Bumping my head unconsciously on the Victory Liner side window as I slept some more.

Thank goodness one bump knocked me back into consciousness just as the bus entered the city limits. Or else I would have missed the pretty city lights that have always signaled the end of my long bus rides and have always welcomed me back home.

Some things never do change.

I still get that warm, fuzzy “I’m home” feeling whenever I see those city lights.

* * *

I slept in this morning and woke up to groggily answer Jona who called me up using Prince’s unlicall-enabled phone. I wandered around the empty house (Mom, Dad, and Quantum had all left for school) as Jona and I chattered on and on about God-knows-what. As I made my way from room to room, I noted that indeed, some things have still remained as they were, as they are.

Our small bathroom still serves as a mini-library. And Mom’s shampoo and conditioner collection is still growing, growing, and growing.

My bedroom is still that colorful interior designer’s nightmare. My goodness. My colorful posters-slash-artworks are still up and my bed is still that mess of oranges, blues, greens, and pinks. And yeah, two-thirds of the colorful mess still serves as mom’s walk-in closet. Hahahaha.

The living room hasn’t changed a bit and the Cowabunga mirror (which has been there since forever) is still there, serving as a reminder of my teenage-mutant-ninja-turtle-filled childhood (hey, I was a fan of Michaelangelo and his grappling hooks!).

Okay, okay. So I’ve been away for only five months. Parang naman daw ang daming magaganap na pagbabago sa limang buwan na yon.

Well, my brother has a new desk in his bedroom (say bedroom in a small squeaky voice). And there’s his new laptop.

And there are the million changes that have occurred inside Mari that I can’t explain and contain even up until now.

* * *

Okay. So I still can’t seem to express myself in the way that I want to. “Basta yun. Ewan.”

Has it really been five months that I’ve been out of the country? Has it only been five months?

It feels like five years. No, it feels like five days.

Sigh. So much has happened. But in some ways – it feels as if I had never left.

Ay ewan.

This is as far as my melancholic mood can get me today.

More writings later. Like, after the batch outing. Hehe.