Month: June 2005

Terrified. Excited. Nervous. Ecstatic. Such range of emotions swirl inside me as the first day of this new school year draws closer.

It’s strange how you can feel such contrasting emotions at exactly the same time. Though it may be perfectly normal to sanguine people, to a melancholy person like me, it is quite strange and awkward. Yet, I can not deny that those feelings of terror and – at the same time – anticipation are here, raging up inside me.

I usually feel this way when something new is about to happen. And it is no wonder since my formal year as a sophomore is approaching. Though I did have a sophomore standing during the summer, starting my actual second year of college is totaly different. Once this semester starts, I will no longer be a baby. There will be new people looking up to me, treating me the way that I have treated my ates and kuyas. A new generation would cause me to grow up and mature even further.

Mature even further. Just the thought of it scares, yet excites me at the same time. Yes, I will be a more mature mari, however, I do not have any idea how that mari is going to turn out. Only God knows that. I will just continue to put my trust in His perfect ways.

Trusting in His perfect ways. It’s wonderful how I could finally say this phrase with all my heart. A year ago it would have been awkward. Even mentioning God in an entry like this would make me feel strange and I would probably think twice before doing so. Yet, that was a year ago. A lot has changed since then. I realized it this morning when I woke up and posters of Britney Spears were no longer staring back at me, when what greeted me this morning were some homemade posters containing a few encouraging scriptures. And I am eternally grateful for that change – the change caused by the healing power of Jesus.

It’s hard to think that I was such a different person one year ago. Yet, looking back at the way I was before, it makes me wonder – If such a change could happen in just one year, then what would I be like in a year from now…? I believe that there would be many more changes in me and I have faith that these changes will not only be for my own good but will be for the glory of God… so that I will become a better person – a better child of God. For in Christ, things do not follow the law of entropy (the tendency to go from order to disorder) but instead, things change from glory… to GLORY.

Knowing this however, still does not take away the jitters inside me.

Sigh.

A whole new school year, a whole new adventure. I wonder… what does the Lord have in store for me this time…?

 

I have often felt alone. Especially during those times when nobody was there to reach out and just give me a hug… when everybody else was doing their own thing… forgetting completely about me… those times when I felt so… so invisible.

There was a time when I did not know how to deal with this feeling of intense loneliness. I tried to lose myself in my own world – in the world of poetry, of writing, and of song – yet to no avail. It was useless. Though I loved being in my own world, I could never really deny that emptiness that continually lingered in my heart.

That was before.

Things have changed since then. Although friends still continue to abandon me at times, though sometimes the comfort of human warmth is not there when I need it… I realize that I am never really alone. Jesus Christ is always, and will always be by my side.

When I need comfort, He is there. When I need encouragement, He is there. When I need someone to inspire me, He is still there. When I need a companion, He is always there. Never, never will I ever be alone.

I now realize that my desperate attempts to wash away my loneliness are just THAT – mere desperate attempts. I could write, I could sing, I could make music… but if I do these things without God in my heart, it would be totaly useless. Because no matter what I do, if He is not there, that emptiness will never go away.

I am so thankful for His constant and unfailing love… so thankful that I will never have to go through this life on my own. Because you know what? I am NEVER ALONE.